you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
