I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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