After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
