i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
