I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
