that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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