just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
