I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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