he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
