My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
