It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
