Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
