ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
