phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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