Can i not drive my cunt home
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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