ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize