I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
