I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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