she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
do herpes really smell.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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