You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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