He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
