Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
