Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
