I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
