I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize