R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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