So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
