I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
