Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
