I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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