The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
