I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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