Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize