Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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