It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
