The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
