i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
