I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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