I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
