No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
