I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
