oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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