WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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