so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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