Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
