god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
