my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
