i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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