Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
