well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
