One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize