having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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