i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
