I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
