Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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