You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
