last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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