i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
