You kept calling me your small dog last night.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
