he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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