That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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